Know Your Limits
By: Opa AKA Big Poppa Huff AKA Dave Hoffman
Know your limits. I am not a handyman. I take great care of sick patients. I can really cook. I can run and lift heavy weights. I am not a handyman.
Many years ago my wife decided she wanted to cover up the orange painted walls in our kitchen with a light colored wall paper. She announced that she going to hire a handyman to do the job. I felt an insult to my manliness. I said wait, I can do the wallpapering, after all how difficult could it be? Pick out the wallpaper and and I will take care of it on my next day off of work.
At the time I was working in the local emergency room but I was mentally preparing to put up wallpaper. This was long before You-tube instructional videos, but I thought it would be easy, wet the wallpaper, slap it on the wall, then trim the top and bottom. How would I do the trimming? I had the Eureka moment, I would borrow a metal scalpel handle with removable metal blades, perfect!
The big day arrived. I was home with my five year old son. First piece was wet down, put up, and trimmed with my trusty metal scalpel in record time. I thought to myself this is so easy I’ll be finished in no time, by the time my wife comes home from work she will have a new kitchen.
Second and third pieces went up just like the first! Then I encountered an unanticipated obstacle, an electric outlet in the wall. I paused and contemplated my options. Then it came to me, I would remove the plastic cover and place the wet wallpaper over the exposed electrical outlet then go back and trim the wallpaper with my metal scalpel. I wet down the paper, slapped it on the wall and proceeded to cover the outlet. I thought it was going great. I squatted down to trim the paper from the outlet when I was greeted with 220 bolts of alternating current! Sparks flew, I got knocked on my ass and the scalpel flew across the room! My son watched in amazement. After I recovered, I retrieved the scalpel but realized the blade had been bent. Undaunted, I would replace the blade and continue. Removing a bent blade from a scalpel proved difficult. After several unsuccessful attempts, I wasn’t holding back anymore and will all of my strength, it came free! It also neatly sliced across my left index finger causing a flurry of profanity and copious amounts of gushing blood! My son was once again amazed. After a quick tourniquet and bandage it was off to my ER for 8 sutures. My wife came home to be greeted by a bloody floor and a barely wallpapered kitchen. My son and I returned home shortly after. I explained what had transpired, but she was not impressed. Someone else finished the wallpapering. Know your limits. I am not a handyman!
Know your limits. I am not a handyman. I take great care of sick patients. I can really cook. I can run and lift heavy weights. I am not a handyman.
Many years ago my wife decided she wanted to cover up the orange painted walls in our kitchen with a light colored wall paper. She announced that she going to hire a handyman to do the job. I felt an insult to my manliness. I said wait, I can do the wallpapering, after all how difficult could it be? Pick out the wallpaper and and I will take care of it on my next day off of work.
At the time I was working in the local emergency room but I was mentally preparing to put up wallpaper. This was long before You-tube instructional videos, but I thought it would be easy, wet the wallpaper, slap it on the wall, then trim the top and bottom. How would I do the trimming? I had the Eureka moment, I would borrow a metal scalpel handle with removable metal blades, perfect!
The big day arrived. I was home with my five year old son. First piece was wet down, put up, and trimmed with my trusty metal scalpel in record time. I thought to myself this is so easy I’ll be finished in no time, by the time my wife comes home from work she will have a new kitchen.
Second and third pieces went up just like the first! Then I encountered an unanticipated obstacle, an electric outlet in the wall. I paused and contemplated my options. Then it came to me, I would remove the plastic cover and place the wet wallpaper over the exposed electrical outlet then go back and trim the wallpaper with my metal scalpel. I wet down the paper, slapped it on the wall and proceeded to cover the outlet. I thought it was going great. I squatted down to trim the paper from the outlet when I was greeted with 220 bolts of alternating current! Sparks flew, I got knocked on my ass and the scalpel flew across the room! My son watched in amazement. After I recovered, I retrieved the scalpel but realized the blade had been bent. Undaunted, I would replace the blade and continue. Removing a bent blade from a scalpel proved difficult. After several unsuccessful attempts, I wasn’t holding back anymore and will all of my strength, it came free! It also neatly sliced across my left index finger causing a flurry of profanity and copious amounts of gushing blood! My son was once again amazed. After a quick tourniquet and bandage it was off to my ER for 8 sutures. My wife came home to be greeted by a bloody floor and a barely wallpapered kitchen. My son and I returned home shortly after. I explained what had transpired, but she was not impressed. Someone else finished the wallpapering. Know your limits. I am not a handyman!
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